The BDSM lifestyle is a complex landscape shaped by a kaleidoscope of factors ranging from biology to personal experiences. Fetishes, a seemingly ubiquitous element of this practice, are no exception. There are a few official theories swirling around about paraphilias/fetishes. As someone with 18 years of experience on this subject, I believe there is an additional theory to add to the established pot: a connection between aversion/fear and the genesis of erotic fixations.

Imagine the mind as a vast canvas where experiences are painted, each stroke contributing to the overall masterpiece that is our sexuality. Sometimes, seemingly frightening objects or aversions can, over time, transform into sources of pleasure. I believe there is a flippable coin; one side is -Phobia and one side is -Philia. Can a fetish simply act as a coping mechanism, a way for the mind to reconcile difficult reactions and experiences? I contend that’s a valid possibility.

An anecdotal experience I’ve had (approximately a billion times) is a person recounting the story of initially recoiling or being disgusted at the thought of a particular object or scenario… but through exposure or further exploration, the aversion transforms into a curious fascination. As the mind adapts, pleasure receptors may intertwine with the once-negative associations, creating a unique and personalized fetish.

I call this the “oops, I guess that’s my kink now” genesis. It can happen with inanimate, “non-sexual” objects - and POOF - a fetish is born!

One of the original prevailing theories of fetish involves the repetition of certain activities or rituals. Human brains are wired to seek pleasure and reward, and habits formed through repetition can become deeply ingrained in our psyche. Over time — yet somehow instantaneously — what was once a simple act transubstantiates into a powerful trigger for arousal. Mmm, dopamine and serotonin.

Consider the allure of Dominance or submission. Through repeated experiences of surrender or control (and the perception thereof) individuals may find that these associated feelings become intertwined with their sexual identity. The brain, seeking the reward of pleasure, may then mold these experiences into a fetish. This adds a thrilling dimension to its intimate encounters! I personally find this is especially thrilling for people when it involves bucking the status quo, e.g. when men are able to surrender their gender roles, other identities can be explored, etc.

Roleplay is a powerful example of this concept. In fact, I would assert that the act of roleplay is a fetish in itself since roles are not inherently erogenous or sexual. There are many fetishistized roles that are originally sources of revulsion or aversion - consider Arthur Munby’s fetish (I explored this in an earlier blog post) for Victorian working-class women… cross-class mingling was once considered a horror in his socioeconomic stratosphere. Same with interracial relationships which begin with partners who are initially borne from ultra-racist cultures. I would be remiss to omit the existence of fetishes that are problematic to practice - pedophilia, frotteurism, “sexual sadism” (as described in the DSM V), and of course any fetish that carries a criminal penalty for either the Doer or Seeker of the pleasure it represents (although I have very little respect for — and maybe even contempt for — laws that inhibit consensual adult activity regardless of the impact society believes they have).

Do problematic fetishes take away from all of the consensually, happy practitioners? Nope! Does understanding the origin of fetishes diminish the importance or value of them? Absolutely not. It simply invites us to appreciate the complexity of human desire. Our minds are intricate tapestries, woven with threads of pleasure, aversion, and habit, creating a unique mosaic of sexual identity. Especially as a Professional Dominatrix, I am privileged to witness the diverse landscapes of desire in My clients. Through open communication and trust, W/we explore the boundaries and depths of their fantasies, acknowledging the nuanced paths that have led them to their unique fetishes.

The development of a fetish through aversions or repeated habits serves as a testament to the resilience and adaptability of the human mind. Embracing the multiplex of desire allows us to navigate the creation of an idée fixe with curiosity, empathy, and, most importantly, a celebration of the diverse paths that lead us to our most intense pleasures. This is the only path to a deeper level of liberation from sexual shame, and Madame is on it.