In the arena of edgeplay, safe words are crucial; even lifesaving. But when we think about the meaning behind a safe word, there are myriad reasons why they may be necessary, even outside of BDSM. There are also lots of variations and systems that can be implemented, for “safe word” purposes. Creativity abounds.

Words

To implement a proper safe word, there are a few methods: a unique word, a made-up word, a word that isn’t an actual word in the dictionary (but that you use with a partner), and then even beyond words… sounds! The obvious reason this shouldn’t be a household or common word? Clearly, you don’t want to throw a safe word around without regard to its impact. It stops everything. It is the most important part of a scene - therefore care must be used around saying it. BDSM does have a body count (regardless of whether we’re ready to talk about this), and a hefty percentage of why this is true involves inability to use — or the ignoring of — a safe word.

Relationships

Madame will die on this hill: safe words should be implemented in all interpersonal dynamics that contain any amount of conflict or growth. Including familial relationships. Parents should give their children a safe word, so that if tickling, roughhousing, or even a large amount of comfort can be immediately stopped - for a predetermined amount of time, at minimum. This can also act as an icebreaker to a wider conversation that happens outside the home (i.e. “I wanted to yell the stop-word today!”). Couples should have a safe word for stopping a fight, if it gets too heated. Friends should have a safe word if they’re in social settings with others, so if they’re being harassed or assaulted by someone, they can get an accompanied exit without flagging a potential abuser. Even bars have a form of this, depending on the training and knowledge of the staff. Medical staff should have safe words, so doctors are aware when patients no longer feel capable of giving consent or if they feel activated by certain touch, etc. Full Service Sex Workers (FSSW) should also have safe words (“panic buttons”) so that their house staff can intervene, if possible. Housekeepers in many hotel and hospitality settings already have this system implemented. There are no major down sides to a safe word, and wider implementation should happen posthaste.

Scenes

As previously mentioned, safe words can be a life-or-death situation - even appearing in criminal court around the world. Safe words can match scenes, e.g. “QUITTING” for an office BDSM theme, “Jesus” for a religious punishment scene, etc. There are also non-standard (wordless or non-vocalized) safe “words”: one I like to use when a submissive’s vocal cords are inaccessible is “popsicle” since you can say it with your throat, without your voice. Try it. A series of taps, a la Shave and a Haircut, or the noise from Terminator II (Madame’s favorite non-vocal; heard during the first 8 seconds of this video), or even a specific number of foot stomps. Blinking can also be handy, but be aware there must be prolonged, unending eye contact for this. Ensure there are no preconceived ways to “miss” the usage of a safe word!

Systems

Progressive systems are valid and beautiful, as long as they’re cohesive and able to be remembered. {Larry} {Moe}{Curly} isn’t great, because whereas there are 3 components, it would be difficult to recall in the throes of ecstatic anguish which one was most egregious. The evergreen {Green}{Yellow}{Red} is fine, although Madame does issue points for creativity and wit. For physically strenuous tasks, I like to use sports-based progressions {play ball}{time out}{strike 3}. There can even be quotes; one FinDom client had {My name is Walter Hartwell White}{I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane}{Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104}. Life is to be lived in the strangest manner you can muster.

Sacredness

There are arguments in favor of using a safe word, or not. Madame has experienced the old cliches, “it’s hotter if there’s no safe word!” or “I don’t need a safe word!” As a prenuptial agreement, last will and testimony, and business contracts are always best practices, so is a safe word. If a Dominant breezes past all physical signs pointing to imminent usage and then ignores the safe word, chances are they’re a problematic partner. There are of course moments of passion, but if you cannot trust your Dominant to honor your safe word with the sacredness it deserves, they do not deserve you. Feel free to tell them Madame said so. Or simply ghost them, if you wish. Safe words are the foundation upon which we engage in the most extreme, vicious, envelope-pushing, edge-riding terrorism - and they should be inviolable. Here is a nifty little list to get your brain juices turning.

And one last thing: setting the safe word to pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is a dick move… but if you’re all professionals and doing a scene with silica dust, carry on.

[1] Bauer, R. (28 October 2014). Queer BDSM Intimacies: Critical Consent and Pushing Boundaries. Springer. ISBN 9781137435026. Retrieved 10 January 2024 – via Google Books.