Every human being has needs. Indisputable fact, obvious to anyone with a corporeal form.

Getting these needs met, distinguishing wants from needs, and determining how to communicate these needs? That is the messy business of being you.

When needs aren’t met, one thing is for sure - the most awful, vulnerable, painful, difficult aspects of human behavior rear their heads. Lashing out, manipulation, abuse, violence, neglect. Essentially any way a person can behave that will be detrimental and cause harm to themselves or others can be traced to an unmet need.

As a result, a digestible model was built to illustrate the needs and their categorizations so they can be identified and prioritized:

The top level of the above hierarchy of needs is self-actualization. Coined by psychologist Abraham Maslow, self-actualization represents the highest, most aspirational level on the pyramid, reflecting a state of psychological well-being and the culmination of a harmonious interplay between one's talents, creativity, and purpose in life.

Self-actualization often involves a deep understanding of oneself, personal growth, and the pursuit of intrinsic values rather than external validation. [1]

To those of us who grew up with this model at the forefront of our cultural zeitgeist, it all sounds great. Until it isn’t. Maslow’s work has since been examined with a more critical eye, and previously-erased connections surfaced between him and the concepts he “borrowed” without crediting the Siksiká Nation, from whom he pillaged and bastardized. In his sunset years he admitted his original sin: he had intentionally omitted the most prepotent purpose of self-actualization: to “be of service to our communities as independent webs of humanity.” [2] And even above community, ideally reaching across time and space to create, sustain, and perpetuate generational legacies of precious value. We have a host of BDSM forebears to thank for the level of knowledge, safety, acceptance, and progress we enjoy today. Therefore, we must honor the ancestral heirlooms that led to these favorite inheritances. Equally important, it behooves us to continue stewarding these practices for those who will follow in our footsteps long after our bodies return to the earth.

An ever-present analysis and evolution of our cultural lens is vital. Personal perspectives can and should expand over time to include the wisdom of customs that have been whitewashed out of academia and our everyday experiences. To be principled and have integrity — to become our best selves — we must burn the false idols and sacred cows of every unmerited, maladaptive practice. This includes within our lifestyles and our psyches; entering the realms of destigmatization, harm reduction, shifting consent models (i.e. SSC > RACK > PRICK), exploring new modalities, questioning the status quo, and always becoming transformative versions of ourselves. Eventually bringing that metamorphosed creature to our communities to uplift and affirm a better world for all.

The exploration of BDSM and kink should be a journey not just for personal fulfillment, but a shared endeavor to collective transcendence (and therefore liberation). This is where we all win. Together. A mirror for kink itself, this work can only be done through trial and error: exploring boundaries and navigating rough terrain. And that’s quite intimidating and uncharted territory but ultimately a more worthwhile endeavor than all others.

So, get to it. Or else.

[1] Self-actualization | Psychology, Maslow’s Hierarchy & Human Potential | Britannica
[2] Before Maslow’s Hierarchy: The Whitewashing of Indigenous Knowledge – Shane Safir