Managing a Harem Effectively.

Posted by Madame Rax on Friday, October 7, 2016 Under: Personal Interests
In my time, I've managed quite a few groups of humans. Some of which were lovers, friends, cohabitants, volunteers, slaves. I have had simultaneous lovers living with Me, and I've had lovers living in separate spaces who came together with Me. It can be very difficult to manage these groups, but I've acquired some helpful tips for those who are brave (and perhaps ridiculous) enough to walk in My shoes. But it is also necessary to provide a solid foundation on which to give this information:

There are many configurations of polyamory. Some, such as polyfidelitous dynamics, will involve a primary partner, a secondary (or "satellite," "peripheral," whichever term is used) partner, and one other partner - all parties involved are faithful to one another and no outside seeking is happening. For the purpose of this article, I am addressing a specific, kink-friendly configuration, where there is one primary Dominant partner, who has multiple submissive partners (who may themselves also have other dynamics, but are not necessary to mention here). 

So, what are the tips? 

1. Practice "Gauging" Your Partners - This involves many things. First and foremost, as usual, is communication. It is integral to a successful management style to ensure that you are communicating as openly and honestly with your submissives as possible. If you are unsure about some of their feelings, ask gauging questions:

"how do you feel about ___________?" -
"would you feel uneasy if I __________?" -
"how are things progressing with ___________?"
"have your feelings changed surrounding any of our interactions?"

Being a submissive doesn't mean you give up your preferences or feelings completely (although some may take comfort in feeling "alleviated" from the burden of particulars like that) - so it is necessary to remind them that you have their best interests at heart. If one is being cold, distant, withdrawn, or sullen, be sure to communicate that you wish to know what the problem is. Address the issue from a firm but empathetic standpoint. Primary motivation should be to understand their point of view first, and then seek to explain your implementation, actions, etc. As a submissive, they are often predisposed to softening or hiding their feelings in order to spare yours. This is not a good habit, and should be discussed (neutrally rather than accusingly) as immediately as it shows up, to prevent communication barriers going forth. Learn to accommodate their language into yours. Make them feel safe, comfortable, and comforted. Absorb them into your world, but recognize their individual talents, contributions, and value. 

2. Delegate Responsibility According to Ability. - If you have a partner who is good at certain things, but not others, play to that advantage. A submissive who is wonderful with phone communication can be integral to a Primary that dislikes it (due to any number of issues, such as audio processing difficulties). Group messages and texts can be helpful to coordinate tasks or chores, and finding each submissive's Sweet Spot with regard to their comfort and ability can be priceless. If one is great with photography, they can archive the relationship. Is one a gifted writer? They can draft any documentation or contracts - or keep a household journal. A chef, mechanic, number cruncher? Perfect for any various needs around the house or with the Primary's belongings. They can even help each other out, if asked and accepted. A household calendar and routine is also excellent: Cozi Calendar offers a perfect solution to household scheduling, and sends out text reminders, etc. Brightnest keeps track of cleaning chores. Mint is great for commingled finances and keeping track of budgets/spending. 

3. Encourage Enhancement; Recognize Achievement
- This one sounds like a no-brainer, but is often the most overlooked part of managing a group of submissives. Without a set of specific tasks, many submissives feel lost; without an anchor or direction. Because of this, it is helpful to form a list of ways they can better themselves and go to it as soon as they start to feel antsy that they aren't getting your full attention. This way, they can occupy their time without necessarily monopolizing yours (even though they may want to), and they will have something they can be proud of, to show for it. It is here that I will suggest a 101 in 1,001. This setup, from the Day Zero Project, is a way to ensure that goals will be met in a time-sensitive fashion. Bonus: there are lots of inspirational posts about goals other people have met to get your creative juices flowing. As the Primary, be sure to recognize achievements as valid and appreciate them with your full enthusiasm - overlooking a proud accomplishment is a surefire way to make a submissive miserable. This method can even be applied to submission: if they want to improve or find ways to clean, cook, or manage their submission effectively, that can be added to the list! 

4. If a Crisis or Emergency Arises, Shift Group Focus - A sudden health problem, emergency, violation, or any situation that comes up needs to be taken care of in the most supportive way. So if any one member of your sub group faces an extreme challenge that might force you to prioritize them for a period of time, shift the group focus to that person. Let the other submissives know that there is a NEED for the injured/critical party to acquire support and aid, and that it is a group effort to make the ailing member whole again. Be clear about what can be done, who can do it, and start working on the plan immediately. A Primary doesn't need to be an army of one, if they have a small army behind them. This sort of working together is also helpful if there isn't as great of a need as the submissive is asking - if they are just seeking attention and exaggerating their need, it will be quickly revealed and stopped. Each initiation of emergency status should be considered in earnest before any "testing" or accusing with regard to dishonesty, however. Never approach a situation with blame or inconsiderate words. 

5. Distribute Rewards Evenly Unless Otherwise Specified - If you start off showering your submissives with gifts, praise, rewards, or other goodies - but slowly start to reward one more than the others (due to lack of funds or attention), be aware that this will be difficult for the other submissives. Communicate clearly and honestly about how things may change (using neutral explanations rather than "you're not as good" measures). If a submissive seems to desire more physical gifts, be sure to find out if the others are secretly resentful of this change. If a submissive seems more or less comfortable with their rewards, address that. 

6. Familiarize Yourself with the Tools of the Trade - Managing a group requires an arsenal of tools for communication, delegation, arbitration, mindfulness, and care. One metaphor I have seen and accept is the "garden" variety. Take a hard look at your available plot, decide what you want to grow, plant the seeds according to their individual needs, shower with sunshine, fertilizer, and fresh air, cull the weeds, take stock of any plants that are not doing well, fix them, and enjoy a bountiful harvest. As a literal translation (for those of you who need it): examine and consider how much time and what resources you have at your disposal for care and attention, decide what goals you have for your group, invest time and effort into learning and caring for each submissive, enrich their experience using your skills, nip problematic elements in the bud, address problems, solve them effectively, and reap the benefits of group time, attention, and talent. Keep in mind that this is a beautiful way to live, if you have the wherewithal to try it out, be patient, and commit to making a huge effort. 

So, now that you've thought about how to proceed, it is integral that you remind yourself of these elements, because they will be non-native to you for at least the first year or two. It isn't until you've been managing submissives for a long time that these tactics are revealed, let alone reflexive. In theory, a harem seems like a self-contained unit at your disposal, without putting much effort in, but you will be One Sorry Primary if you are garbage at these things. And remember... mutiny is never a fun experience!

In : Personal Interests 

Tags: group  harem  d/s  dynamics  24/7 

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