Holding Submissives Accountable (pt. II)

Posted by Madame Rax on Sunday, December 2, 2018 Under: D/s Dynamics
(Click here for Pt. I if you haven't read it yet.)

I received a quality message from a long-distance submissive the other day:

The messages go on to outline how exactly this situation will be ameliorated, and it was. This is a perfect example, despite the notable lack of "I apologize." A trifecta: acceptance, confession, action. Here is the breakdown:

Acceptance creates the conditions necessary to overcome an obstacle. When a submissive understands that their behavior is problematic, it starts the chain reaction. They can hem and haw about why they allowed a hiccup to happen or persist, but the core of the interaction should be an agreement, rather than obfuscation. Yes, I did this. Yes, I caused this. Yes, it is a problem. See the flow chart if a submissive cannot understand why something is a genuine concern. I am not a fan of "there's nothing I can do about this" because I believe at the core of depression and misery is a learned helplessness that stops a submissive from self-actualizing. 

Confession does so many things and is invaluable to a proper apology. Not only is the submissive accepting that they caused a problem -- they're looking for other related behaviors in a display of naked vulnerability. They could have made excuses or deceived the Dominant, but instead they offered details they didn't have to, in order to proactively address the problem in a holistic way. As the submissive in the screen shot said, "why be a sub if not to stand before You [...] with our mistakes nakedly exposed?" Dominance requires leadership, and how can a leader guide and direct without a full picture of what's happening with their constituents? Answer: blindly and ineffectively. For your Dominant to be operating at 100%, one must put all of their cards on the table; even when it's unpleasant. 

Action is the solidifying factor in an apology. Yes, the submissive has accepted the problem, confessed the entire scope of it, and now it's time for the submissive to demonstrate that they're putting forth the effort necessary to achieve apology status. As Dominants, we don't (or shouldn't) make up problems simply for the hell of it. We expend a lot of energy to analyze, urge, and communicate the issue... knowing full well that it may develop into a conflict rather than a fix. There is the risk of rejection, having to endure lies or whining, and being subjected to a battery of blurry drivel about why a submissive would rather not bother to work on the problem. It is quite easy to lose respect for a submissive when they become embroiled in an effort to shirk responsibility or avoid apologies. So this process (entirely) is the antidote to that. 

Once all three steps are complete, there is a deeper connection. When submissives demonstrate willingness and ability to fix problems (in devotion to their Master), they are truly fulfilling their purpose and helping to build a better dynamic. Perhaps most importantly, the lives of both submissive and Dominant are enhanced. Improvement is always a noble goal and everyone must do their part toward that end.  

To illustrate what happens if any of these conditions are missing, here is a handy formula for how an "apology" ends:

- acceptance + confession + action = empty actions, since original premise was rejected.
+ acceptance - confession + action = partial fix, but everything wasn't addressed and more problems will arise.
+ acceptance + confession - action = was a fake apology, likely to shut the Dominant up. 

In order for a fix to be lasting and real, all three parts are necessary. 

In : D/s Dynamics 

Tags: communication  d/s  domestic  dominance  submission  lifestyle   

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