As Dominants, we've encountered submissives who chronically try to avoid liability and blame. They'll say anything possible to get out of trouble. They'll make excuses, become withdrawn/avoidant, and deflect - going to great lengths to take the focus off a problem they've created. But this creates a new problem; because they’re busy steering clear of culpability, they’re refusing to ameliorate the actual stumbling block.

“BUT MY CHILDHOOD”
“BUT MY FEELINGS”
“BUT WHEN I WAS A KID”
“BUT WHEN I WAS ABUSED”
“BUT WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER”

If you remove the “but” all of those phrases have their own value. They indicate touchy and/or difficult things the submissive has to work through in order to achieve a desired outcome. And if you’re a particularly good Dominant, they’ll have the conditions necessary to do so… and will. With the addition of the “but,” however, it becomes an excuse. The focus has been shifted from mending the underlying issue to denying the validity of it.

I mentioned earlier that this refusal to be held accountable creates a second problem. Dominance is a tool used to solve problems and foster growth/development. So how is a submissive doubling the Dominant’s work in problem solving? In this case it is helpful to view problems as obstacles. The first obstacle is the original problematic behavior, which must be overcome. The second obstacle, which is created by the submissive, is that they refuse to accept responsibility and work toward overcoming the first obstacle. This creates a wholly unnecessary set of hoops a Dominant must jump through before the initial problem is “accepted,” in order for work to begin on fixing it.

Unless a submissive is in a TPE dynamic, they may communicate when they think the Dominant is being unreasonable. After all, this is not written in support of unquestioned authority or noncommunicative dynamics. At this point it behooves the Dominant to have reasons to support why a problem is a problem. At the core of this quandary is this question: “would life be better for both parties if this behavior/scenario were fixed?” If yes (or it directly contributes to a condition in which the answer is yes), it is a problem. This is a brief conundrum at best, and should not be used to obscure guilt or delay a resolution. If it’s simply a matter of the Dominant’s preference being upheld out of laziness or convenience, that isn’t sufficient to call something a problem. A Dominant must hold themselves to a high standard as well.

Part II of this series will examine how to optimize the submissive apology.