Help! I'm not like this, it's just my fantasy!

Posted by Madame Rax on Friday, June 10, 2016 Under: Personal Interests
Over the years, I have had clients say to Me, "look, I'm really not a misogynist, but I have this overwhelming fantasy of watching women get stabbed in the stomach" - or -"I have this awkward fantasy where I'm yelling racist slurs at people outside my race, and it makes me uncomfortable!"

Know that you are not alone in your apprehension.  

I was speaking to a friend of Mine earlier, and he confided that he was concerned about some of his fetishes, because they involved fantasies which revolved around a few behaviors or -isms that made him uncomfortable. Since we do not have a relationship that is centered around him trying to impress Me (so that I will take him on as a personal slave or client), I knew this was a genuine concern, and one that I felt it was time to address. To the folks who are concerned about your fantasies, I ask one question:

"Would you feel weird or uncomfortable acting out these thoughts and feelings outside of your fantasy, or with someone who did not agree to enact them?"

Likely, your answer is a resounding, "yes." And it is because of that, that you need not worry. The fact that you are cognizant of the trouble involved in engaging in racist, sexist, or homophobic behavior shows that you are concerned about those who suffer from it in everyday life. By caring, and being concerned, you are demonstrating your personal dislike of that sort of awful behavior, and would not treat a person badly on the street based on their sexuality, perceived race, or gender. -- That said, the exceptions to whether or not you should worry are: if you are tortured by fantasies that you feel unable to control yourself about, and you have the urge to act out these horrific behaviors, that is a problem. If you invoke "skirting the line" justifications for why it would be "totally okay" to do that to someone who doesn't consent, that is also a huge problem. If you feel anyone for any reason "has it coming" or "deserves" the sort of thing you'd be doing during the scene (or if you were just watching as a voyeur), I'd actually argue that you really need honest-to-goodness therapy before you even interact with other people. Because in BDSM we realize the differences between a winking "you're a dirty little whore" inspired by roleplay - and a knee-jerk reaction of "wow, you're actually a dirty little whore" as a derogatory statement when the other party discusses their sexuality. --

There are three basic components in kink that may contribute to finding a reprehensible scenario sexually exciting: shame, power, and externalizing.

Shame: If you are normally ashamed of other people that occupy your demographic who harbor sexist, racist, or homophobic attitudes, summoning the sort of shame and revulsion you may feel for others, directed at yourself, may be exciting. There are plenty of fetishes rooted in shame, and that sort of sexual pairing is very common. Do something disgusting or reprehensible - hate your role and make yourself nauseated at how gross it all is - get excited. And if you want to get childhood-related, sometimes occupying the role of a past abuser may give you a sick feeling inside that translates into a throbbing urge: if you grew up with a racist father you were terrified of becoming, it may feel liberating for a second to stop worrying so much and throw yourself into that fire (because it won't actually hurt you, and you can retain your integrity as a person).

Power: If you feel powerless on the regular, or if you feel like your power has been awarded to you but not actually earned (because you were born into a certain demographic), you may feel a special kind of power trip when denigrating another person based their own accident of birth (race, sex, class, etc). Since that is not a chosen thing (one doesn't choose birth race or sex - although they can theoretically change gender and racial appearance), it is difficult to really feel the weight of those characteristics being insulted. Perhaps you actually feel inferior to people of color, and this is a way to act out the desire for power. Perhaps you feel white people (or men, etc) are actually stealing the roles of power and it's cathartic to "win" the power "fair and square," and bring you a bit of merit, instead of just a birthright.      

Externalizing: Sometimes, part of kink revolves around the externalizing of problematic thoughts or urges. For everyone who has a rape fetish, there is someone who would enjoy acting out a non-consensual fantasy (read: NOT PERPETRATING A RAPE IN REAL LIFE, but enjoying rape-play). Perhaps as a kid you saw a film which had a Master/slave relationship in it and romanticized either how devoted the slave was to the master -  or, oppositely, saw what a fulfilling and attractive life was found in being a servant. 

At any rate, no matter how you slice it, there are people who will disagree with the level of healthiness of indulging any kink. Naysayers of race play, age play, rape play, any kink on any level will attack from all directions: institutionalized racism means anyone who wants to be called the n-word is self-loathing and sick, anyone who would get the urge to overpower a woman must be a rapist no matter what, if you find it sexy that someone dresses like a baby you must be a pedophile. Any man who wants to call a woman a whore is obviously a misogynist. Blah, blah, blah. But the chief question is: is this fantasy, or your reality? If it's fantasy, act it out all day with a partner who is extremely willing and capable - and if it's reality or you want to entrap/force a party who is not interested or enthusiastic, get help immediately

So realistically there is no need to feel shame or embarrassment stemming from your urges. Everyone has had some weird desire or fantasy at some point, and as long as it doesn't violate, harm, or assault an unwilling or unknowing participant, you're certainly fine. 

In : Personal Interests 

Tags: race play  ageplay  d/s  dynamics  fetish  nurturance   

Love My work?:

Buy Me a Coffee at