3 problems & 3 Fixes
In life, most people have difficulty arranging the right words to come out of their face at the correct speed, volume, and inflection to achieve optimal results. To make a business deal, get a job, buy a car, negotiate a rent price, receive a promotion - all of these things require great care in communication.
Enter personal desire: all of the above things, one can argue, are not necessary per se, but integral to happiness or self-efficacy. But what happens when the thing you crave isn't necessary - but fun and enriching? sexy?
Unless you are a sociopath, negotiating things involving your sexuality or kinky urges can vary from difficult to impossible. On the "impossible" end, many people go their entire lives without uttering a single word about their hidden desires. They never book a session, never talk to a Domme, and all the fantasy remains locked up in their brain without a physical engagement… forever. On the "difficult" end, there are many errors committed - some of which a sub may learn from, and others they will perpetuate for years. Over My career, I've encountered a gamut of communication problems, a few of which I will discuss, brainstormed solutions to each one:
Expecting ESP: If you've come out of a situation, meeting, conversation, or scene - and you felt unfulfilled - but it wasn't because a Domme refused to enact your wishes, but rather the fact that she wasn't AWARE of your wishes... you've created this problem. Fantasy is a fine component of kink, but building up an impossible scenario in your head — as a way to avoid actually talking about things — isn't. There is a letdown component to unrealistic expectations.
Quick Fix: Tell your Domme the things you desire. So you don't come off as "topping from the bottom," you can use mitigating phrases, such as "it's always been my deepest wish," "Is it possible to do," and "Madame, may I tell you about the sorts of scenes I'd love to do?" - there are some "red flag" phrases, as well: "I need to..." "You need to...." "This has to be perfect." and other sorts of phrases are useful when We as Dommes weed out the bottom-toppers from the good clients. Be aware that even if you voice your desires in an appropriate manner, a Domme may still find your request to be outside Her limits. Don't push your luck.
Borderline Bouncing: If you find yourself constantly skirting your lines, this is a problem you're creating. Being indecisive (I'm not sure I want to do this right now, because circumstances...), dragging things on and on because you can't commit (I'll make a decision another time, by tomorrow!), running up to the edge of action and then backing down (Let's meet at ________, and then not showing up), always mentioning "well maybe" situations that you know will be attractive to the Domme, but you have no intention of actually doing (e.g. "maybe one day You can control my stock options!" uh, yeah right) - these are all examples of borderline bouncing. Don't do this. Be slow, realistic, and true to your word. No one likes a waffling idiot. No Domme truly loves to top an insubordinate little shithead with trouble taking instruction on every basic level. It's understandable to not fully submit until a level of trust is achieved, but following simple instructions is a must.
Quick Fix: Make decisions and be resolute. Don't say you're going to do something or offer up a possibility unless you're sure of your ability and resolve to do it. The place to wrestle with your conscience or decisions is not during a conversation, that's just a waste of time. Think about things first, then do them. Don't commit to a Domme, a program, or a large financial decision without first considering the full breadth of consequences. For something that weighs on you heavily, do the intellectual legwork of thoughtful consideration before discussing the outcome with your Domme.
Flaking: Once you've made a commitment, the next step isn't waffling. It's the follow-through. Whether it's a meeting, a tribute, a personal obligation, or a psychological commitment - there is no try. There is only do, or do not. If a Domme takes the time to put together a situation, and herself, do not disappoint. There are emergencies, yes. But there are not a series of emergencies and emotional outpourings, and irrational paranoia with extreme vacillation, unless you're a flake. If She is willing to work with you, that is (most likely) years of education, training, skill building, and honing. She has a wardrobe, a makeup kit, countless books, has read an endless array of articles, and dealt with at least a truckload (or metric fuckton, if you prefer) of bullshit from idiots who flake. Don't perpetuate that.
Quick Fix: Grow a pair and follow through on your word. Know that lying to a Domme is inexcusable and you should be immediately blacklisted for such an offense. If you cannot fulfill an obligation, remunerate your Domme. If you're too poor to afford remuneration, you're probably too poor to deal with a pro-Domme. Stick to amateurs, and the possibly dangerous consequences (or surprise men) that will come with that.
