Holding Submissives Accountable (pt. II)

December 2, 2018
(Click here for Pt. I if you haven't read it yet.)

I received a quality message from a long-distance submissive the other day:



The messages go on to outline how exactly this situation will be ameliorated, and it was. This is a perfect example, despite the notable lack of "I apologize." A trifecta: acceptance, confession, action. Here is the breakdown:



Acceptance creates the conditions necessary to overcome an obstacle. When a submissive understands that their behavior is problematic, it starts the chain reaction. They can hem and haw about why they allowed a hiccup to happen or persist, but the core of the interaction should be an agreement, rather than obfuscation. Yes, I did this. Yes, I caused this. Yes, it is a problem. See the flow chart if a submissive cannot understand why something is a genuine concern. I am not a fan of "there's nothing I can do about this" because I believe at the core of depression and misery is a learned helplessness that stops a submissive from self-actualizing. 


Confession does so many things and is invaluable to a proper apology. Not only is the submissive accepting that they caused a problem -- they're looking for other related behaviors in a display of naked vulnerability. They could have made excuses or deceived the Dominant, but instead they offered details they didn't have to, in order to proactively address the problem in a holistic way. As the submissive in the screen shot said, "why be a sub if not to stand before You [...] with our mistakes nakedly exposed?" Dominance requires leadership, and how can a leader guide and direct without a full picture of what's happening with their constituents? Answer: blindly and ineffectively. For your Dominant to be operating at 100%, one must put all of their cards on the table; even when it's unpleasant. 



Action is the solidifying factor in an apology. Yes, the submissive has accepted the problem, confessed the entire scope of it, and now it's time for the submissive to demonstrate that they're putting forth the effort necessary to achieve apology status. As Dominants, we don't (or shouldn't) make up problems simply for the hell of it. We expend a lot of energy to analyze, urge, and communicate the issue... knowing full well that it may develop into a conflict rather than a fix. There is the risk of rejection, having to endure lies or whining, and being subjected to a battery of blurry drivel about why a submissive would rather not bother to work on the problem. It is quite easy to lose respect for a submissive when they become embroiled in an effort to shirk responsibility or avoid apologies. So this process (entirely) is the antidote to that. 

Once all three steps are complete, there is a deeper connection. When submissives demonstrate willingness and ability to fix problems (in devotion to their Master), they are truly fulfilling their purpose and helping to build a better dynamic. Perhaps most importantly, the lives of both submissive and Dominant are enhanced. Improvement is always a noble goal and everyone must do their part toward that end.  

To illustrate what happens if any of these conditions are missing, here is a handy formula for how an "apology" ends:

- acceptance + confession + action = empty actions, since original premise was rejected.
+ acceptance - confession + action = partial fix, but everything wasn't addressed and more problems will arise.
+ acceptance + confession - action = was a fake apology, likely to shut the Dominant up. 


In order for a fix to be lasting and real, all three parts are necessary. 
 

Holding Submissives Accountable (pt. I)

November 29, 2018
As Dominants, we've encountered submissives who chronically try to avoid liability and blame. They'll say anything possible to get out of trouble. They'll make excuses, become withdrawn/avoidant, and deflect - going to great lengths to take the focus off a problem they've created. But this creates a new problem; because they’re busy steering clear of culpability, they’re refusing to ameliorate the actual stumbling block.

“BUT MY CHILDHOOD”
“BUT MY FEELINGS”
“BUT WHEN I WAS A KID”
“BUT WHEN I WAS ABUSED”
“BUT WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER”



If you remove the “but” all of those phrases have their own value. They indicate touchy and/or difficult things the submissive has to work through in order to achieve a desired outcome. And if you’re a particularly good Dominant, they’ll have the conditions necessary to do so… and will. With the addition of the “but,” however, it becomes an excuse. The focus has been shifted from mending the underlying issue to denying the validity of it.

 

I mentioned earlier that this refusal to be held accountable creates a second problem. Dominance is a tool used to solve problems and foster growth/development. So how is a submissive doubling the Dominant’s work in problem solving? In this case it is helpful to view problems as obstacles. The first obstacle is the original problematic behavior, which must be overcome. The second obstacle, which is created by the submissive, is that they refuse to accept responsibility and work toward overcoming the first obstacle. This creates a wholly unnecessary set of hoops a Dominant must jump through before the initial problem is “accepted,” in order for work to begin on fixing it.   



Unless a submissive is in a TPE dynamic (which I wrote about here), they may communicate when they think the Dominant is being unreasonable. After all, this is not written in support of unquestioned authority or noncommunicative dynamics. At this point it behooves the Dominant to have reasons to support why a problem is a problem. At the core of this quandary is this question: “would life be better for both parties if this behavior/scenario were fixed?” If yes (or it directly contributes to a condition in which the answer is yes), it is a problem. This is a brief conundrum at best, and should not be used to obscure guilt or delay a resolution. If it’s simply a matter of the Dominant’s preference being upheld out of laziness or convenience, that isn’t sufficient to call something a problem. A Dominant must hold themselves to a high standard as well.

Part II of this series will examine how to optimize the submissive apology.


 

Sexual Sublimation: A Chastity Retrospective

August 20, 2018
In My personal life, I have recently given up a very emotionally time-consuming habit. It has led to freeing up a LOT of time and energy, which I will use to be more productive in a BDSM capacity. And as soon as this liberation occurred, I considered just how draining it was to live the way I had for quite some time. This process of funneling led Me to reflect on our bodies, psychological states, and what we do with both. Which brought Me to Chastity. 



Having seen a few divergent prevailing ideas regarding sexual energy as fuel, I am choosing to focus on those which require abstinence. But first, a few notes on sexual energy:

If you've been castrated, chemically or physically (without HRT), it's likely you'll note that you lost quite a bit of motivation due to the lack of hormones your body produces. Testosterone enhances desire to mate, and with that drive comes a host of competitive and potentially aggressive behaviors that lead to a focus on achieving higher social status, financial success, etc. That said, it's easy to conclude that the more sex someone has, the more testosterone they produce, thus a greater productivity level. Sex = Greater Productivity, right? Not necessarily so. 

There are a few schools of thought (some with empirical evidence) that chastity can be used to increase productivity. I will examine NoFap, Ananda, and sexual transmutation. Lastly, I will discuss cage usage, problems, and relief. 

NoFap meme about addiction

NoFap is a website, online forum, and subreddit which seeks to help interested individuals reduce / eliminate masturbation and the usage of internet pornography in order to channel sexual energy into greater pursuits. This started as a result of a thread posted to Reddit discussing a 2003 study which found, "men who refrain from masturbation for seven days experience a 145.7% spike in testosterone levels on the seventh day." Dopamine debt and oversaturation of pleasure centers in the brain without a commensurate level of work are explored in this concept. Challenges and achieving goals are central to this practice. This specific phenomenon has been around for about 7 years and has a fairly large presence on YouTube (even down to this animated instructional video). This method has been criticized as being mired in misogyny and toxic masculinity, but these are not integral to obtain benefits. Those who practice NoFap are a varied group of individuals; predominantly men, but with a large disparity of religious, cultural, and socioeconomic backgrounds.



Ananda is a global spiritual movement which includes “meditation, Kriya Yoga, spiritually-oriented Hatha Yoga, community, and divine friendship.” It explores using yoga and other methods to push sexual energy "upward" to make it a "higher" energy. There is a definitive 10 Ways to Transmute Sexual Energy guide on their website. They also have instructional articles about spiritualizing sexual force and overcoming sexual desire. They also discourage physical contact between two "unsuited" souls, which even extends to hugging or social niceties such as opening doors. Chastity is their purported key to godliness, here. 



Sexual transmutation is a process used by many philosophies and intellectual traditions to achieve one of many things: purpose, achievement, higher awareness, and other ostensible benefits. Various dabblers include Taoists (who explore the power of "Jing"), self-help gurus (such as Victor Pride and Scott Jeffrey), and I would be remiss to exclude a group that is mired in controversy: MGTOW (although arguably their approach extends into unhealthy coping strategies that pit them against women, as even Jordan Peterson has explained). To be clear, I am not endorsing any of these ideas specifically, but I do renounce disconnection from -- and hatred of -- women. Freud held that sublimation, specifically of the sexual variety, was key to being mature and integral to psychological balance

In BDSM, Chastity occupies a very similar role. Depending on the perception of the submissive, employing a chastity device may create the conditions necessary to produce sexual sublimation easily. This can also involve transference of the sexual control to a third party, and act as an intensely bonding and romantic gesture. Just as monogamy (without infidelity) is seen as an ultimate commitment, chastity is seen as an even more acute sacrifice to a trusted loved one. There are also other uses for chastity, such as increasing sexual focus and awareness for sufferers of low drive or erectile dysfunction, but as I noted... it really depends on what the device is being used for

For non-op (I hesitate to use "pre-op" since it isn't universal) trans women, it can be a source of comfort and calm to "lock away" their external genitals. This way, it is easy to think of them as both controlled and "out of sight, out of mind." Dysphoria can be mitigated with extensive chastity usage. My 24/7 slave is trans, and she is unhappy, moody, and overall less well-behaved than I prefer when she's out of her "dicklet" cage. Being locked confers a feeling of harmony within her. I prefer it as well!


 

The Rapture of Surrender

May 29, 2018
It is exceedingly difficult for even the most pliable of submissives to make the transformative Total Power Exchange (TPE). 

The slave wants to rebel, break free, fight back. Their own narratives are central to their desires. Their whims come first.

So what happens if they give them up? 

Many things, if the Dominant is a good one. 

The initial surrender may feel terrifying, especially to a person who is as guarded as most submissives are. Because Dominance is so commonly abused, slaves must practice all of the disciplines of self-preservation and keeping parts of themselves untouched by others, because of judgment, scorn, and shame. Slaves are discarded fairly regularly and therefore cultivate an atmosphere of "this Dominant is temporary" and try not to pin all of their possibilities on one person.

This may occur as a consequence of real-life action, but more often than not it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because the Dominant cannot count on the endurance and dependence of a finicky or frightened, self-obsessed slave, the Dominant will see no point in dominating someone who will not willingly or enthusiastically surrender. And so the cycle continues; the discard begins. 

So, how is this cycle prevented? The key is to quit being so terrified. If you trust a Dominant enough to give them agency over you in life (and possibly even death), you must be willing to demonstrate that. More than words to show you feel that your submission is for real. Start to consider the following:

1. What will happen if I relinquish this power to my Dominant?
 - if the answer is, "I will die" then you have the wrong Dominant. 
 - if the answer is, "I may be afraid, but I trust my Dominant to make great decisions" then you're on the right track. 
 - if the answer is, "I don't know, but I can imagine a million disaster scenarios" then you're looking from the wrong eyes. 

Giving power to your Dominant should not hurt you. It might be scary (especially to those with anxiety or other mood disruptions) but it shouldn't damage your life in any way. 

2. How can I look at things differently?
 - if you have NO vision for your ideal life with your Dominant, that's the first problem. 
 - if you can imagine all of the chaos and bedlam, but not a happy ideal in your mind, that's the other problem. 
 - if you are being obstinate and sticking to all of the gory mindfucks of fear, STOP. 

GET AN IDEAL. CREATE A VISION. START WORKING TOWARD IT. 

The phrase goes, "when you have nothing to stand for, you'll fall for anything." This is the same with idealization. If you don't have goals, visions, markers of success - your brain will fill in all of the missing details with car crashes, succumbing to disease, and everything bad. So work toward the good. And always keep your Dominant primary in your mind.   
 

The Guilt / Shame Cycle

April 24, 2018
Due to the nature of My work, I have taken many submissives who experience a very profound cycle.

Lurking and Learning - they try to get to know Me on a desperate level. Furiously Googling every corner of the web for My name and permutations of My contact information to try to figure out if I'm "safe" and "sane." Looking for evidence that I'm some sort of whatever their worst case scenario is. Cannot find it, because I'm not a thief and I'm far too much of an anarchist to cooperate with authorities. 

Communication and Expression -
they reach out to Me with a coy, tentative email. Trying to figure out if I'm not a cop, not a scam artist, not a man. During this part of the cycle, I am very reassuring. I am there to help, not harm. And if your help involves injury, I'm glad to dispense it. They're happy to offer the tribute, and tell Me how much value My time has. I already recognize this beginning. Eventually they leak that they're married, partnered, etc. But no one's spouse is My concern, nor am I looking to ruin anyone. I use My BDSM powers for good even if it feels bad. 

Engaging and Experiencing - this is the part where the slave starts to indulge the addiction portion of the cycle. I start to infiltrate their life, which makes them gloriously satisfied. They're excited, possibly horny -- though that isn't My problem --can't get enough. They temper themselves and reason that they shouldn't be doing this anyway, but since they've started already... and I'm not judging them... why not? For a short period of time, the slave who is stuck in this cycle feels great. About themselves, about their progress, about all choices. They're actualizing. It's beautiful. But then...

Connecting and Avoidance - usually during a weekend (or holiday) there's some sort of connection with their significant other. They suddenly feel intense guilt, which leads them to validate their own shame. When this happens, I notice. They are noticeably absent compared to the amount of time they had spent texting Me, before - with every free second they had. After a while, I prod them a bit to see where they're at in the process. They suddenly dump their confession of guilt and proclaim that they have to act in the best interest of {whomever}. The fact that the associated feeling is shame indicates that they are not ready to break free from their compulsion. After all, if it's not processed, they'll keep doing it. The urge will haunt. I am absolutely certain that some of you, reading this, are plagued by this exact impulse. 

Realization and Panic - Despite the fix being temporarily acquired, there is still unaddressed underlying addiction. If that seems harsh or ultra-blunt to say, this is because you've been deluding yourself into thinking you can change the cycle through sheer willpower. And of course, you've been using mitigating language to apply to your behavior. "Well it's only" - "but if I just..." "well NEXT time..." - plainly put, no. There is no breaking this grip, using your method. There is no relief without going through it. And since I've successfully facilitated this "graduation" - I am keenly aware of the cycle and how to manipulate it so ultimately you are fully in control of your behaviors, without the choking panic of this guilt / shame cycle.

But since you don't go through it, instead choosing to run away...

Honeymoon and Relapse -
Since vowing change, the submissive will make all sorts of promises to mitigate their shame. They'll do better, be better. Clean house, impress their wife, take the family for a nice meal. In their mind, this is repenting without the horror of honesty. Things are going swimmingly. Except for that underlying guilt and shame. Which starts to creep in... and it can only be alleviated one way: through indulgence of the very thing that makes you feel happy and satisfied. So the process begins all over again. 

I get asked all kinds of questions about My career. Am I exploiting the addicted? Do I ever feel bad for their wives? How can I sleep at night knowing that My clients are lying in such a way, about Me?

There's an easy answer and a complex answer: 

Easy: A siren does not lament her effect. 

Complex: If the slave is actually interested in alleviating this problem, it's a painstaking (but very rewarding) process to get "rid" of it. Those who have are forever indebted to Me for the way I've shaped their lives and helped them release themselves from their internal bondage. And I'm glad to do whatever the situation calls for.
 

My Domination Toolbox

April 13, 2018
In order to be an effective Dominant, I've gone through a long process of acquiring tools and honing techniques. Each one I've honed to My liking. As I always say, Dominance is getting your slave to want what YOU want... for their benefit -- and ultimately yours.

The tools I've developed for this are the following:
 
Logic
Exampling
Punishment
Tease/Denial
Conditioning
Sexuality
Force

Logic is a tool that is most effective for convincing a slave they *need* to do something, or they'll naturally experience unwanted consequences. If they are overweight and have a chronic health problem because if it, the next step is to move forward with getting healthier. If they don't, they'll continue to deteriorate. If they are procrastinating on a project that would generate money, it's to their benefit to complete the project so they can make more money. If they don't, they'll continue to see a dwindling income. Logic is great to use when you want to remind a slave who is bogged down in brain static that they can take simple steps to improve their situation.
            
Exampling is a tool that is most effective for when you want to motivate a slave who is fueled by competition. If you say "slave boy 3 has improved his income for Me by taking odd jobs from Craigslist" you are exampling. This creates the narrative "well, if slave boy 3 can do it, I can do that - AND BETTER!" Be careful not to use this in an abusive way, such as, "my ex-slave did this better than you, you're garbage!" unless they specifically request that sort of treatment. Crossing that line (when you aren't asked) is being shit, not being Dominant. It's quite difficult to forge a path that hasn't been walked before because there is no example. Exampling is great to use when you want to show a slave that something is possible, if they get out of their own way.

Punishment is a tool that is most effective when a slave specifically asks for it, consents to it, and seems to grow as a result of it. Not all slaves enjoy punishment. Some are very embarrassed by it, and it causes them to become distant or even avoidant. Types of punishment vary by slave. Some take to writing lines or formal apologies, while others react with catharsis and immediate behavior correction to physical reprimand. Punishment is great to use when you want to shove a slave out of their typical routine/mode, or push them out of a rut or slump.               

Tease/Denial is a tool that is most effective when a slave has a motivation for chasing something they can't have. These are the slaves who likely say things like "they said I couldn't, so I needed to prove them wrong!" When you tease a slave with possibilities, then deny them the privilege, they'll go the extra mile to try to acquire what they want. Whether that's interaction, approval, extra treats or goodies, etc. This is not to be confused with the usage of sexuality, which will be discussed later in this writing. Tease/Denial is great to use when you want the slave to see the goal to boost them toward reaching it.

Conditioning is a tool that is most effective for using repeated exposure and behavior modeling to embed a certain thought or action into a slave without using the other methods. It is forming habits, immersing the slave in a certain culture, or repeatedly using the same instruction or impetus to prompt them to do a particular thing. If your slave hears "All Glory to Madame" enough, it becomes their mantra and they internalize it. Once something is internalized, it is quite difficult to shake, as this is how habits are formed (which we know are difficult to break). Conditioning is great to use when a slave is comforted by repetition and subtle transformation because they need comfort when they grow.

Sexuality is a tool that is most effective for slaves who are motivated by their genitals and sexual attention. These are the slaves who say things like "I'd do ANYTHING to get Madame Rax's attention. She is so beautiful." When a slave is obviously trying to make more money to impress a Dominant, (in male conditioned people) that is usually an indicator that they're motivated by sexual prospects and attention. Sexuality is great to use when a slave seems to think with "their little head" more than their big one, and throw caution to the wind when it comes to their fetishes.

Force is a tool that is most effective for slaves who don't take small hints. Those who need to be backed into a very tight spot in order to move. They're the ones who allude to getting "in over their head" or use other idioms that involve being coerced through an overwhelming situation that presents only one option. Ensure that you DO NOT use this tool without prior consent. Force upon an unwilling participant is ABUSE. Blackmail is often an exciting proposition to these sorts of slaves. Force is great to use when a slave doesn't respond optimally to the other tools.


 

Updates for the Recently Deceased:

March 17, 2018
Where hath your Madame gone, lately?

Well, in December, I was in a coma. Had pneumonia, lungs failed, on life support, almost died. Had to fully recover once extubated (VERY Exorcist, roman shower fetishists would have loved it). Have returned to being a POWERHOUSE. Physically more healthy than I've been in years, stronger (going to the gym a lot), and quit smoking - to some of your chagrin. 

I've made this site more mobile-friendly.
I had a beautiful session with My trans chastity slave. 
I have started to use Twitter and Facebook again. 

Enjoy a session in photos:







 

On the Flimsy Nature of Submission

January 18, 2018
Many submissives have a dichotomous relationship with being Dominated:

On one hand, they can be fastidious, dedicated, focused, and unyielding in the face of adversity.

But on the other hand, they can be finicky, wishy-washy, unreasonably preferential, and living more in fantasy than reality.

Dominance should optimize. A good Dominant will use a submissive to the best of their ability; a smile will creep across His/Her face when the slave has done an impressive thing. A great Dominant will take the time to figure out the aspirations of the slave, and use them to achieve that end. A primary focus for a truly wonderful Dominant will be to push the slave to accomplish every goal, hit the bucket list, become a far better creature (and therefore a better tool for the Dominant). 

Dominance should enhance. Physiological health should improve - fitness, emotional well-being, endurance, strength, and ultimately longevity. A puny, weak, emotionally unstable slave does no good for any Dominant. I don't Dominate children, animals, or the mentally incapacitated. Why? It's already established that they're below the capacity to benefit from My Dominance and are clearly not a challenge. I don't Dominate a wet blanket, either. 

Dominance should benefit. Despite the seemingly selfish nature of a Dominant in popular culture (and poor executors of Dominance), a good D/s relationship at the least should be beneficial to both parties in some perceptible way. Minimum. A great D/s relationship will create a comfortable positive dynamic where both parties feel more in control of their lives during their interactions (or comfortably out-of-control for slaves who enjoy that). A wonderful D/s dynamic is similar to a "power couple" - both parties will achieve their dreams and become integral parts of each other's continued success. 

Should any of these fall out of balance, a Domino effect is created - and everything falls apart. But always remember: Dominance should optimize, not erode. 
 

Calculating a Podcast

June 24, 2017
So, I have been putting forth effort in other areas than social media lately. I obviously have BDSM on My mind most of the time, if not always churning away in the background, but I have been paving a new path for Myself.

I am going to be creating a podcast. 

I have questions, ready and willing experts in their respective psychological fields, I'm building equipment. 

If you'd like to help, email TheMadame@MadameRax.com with information about yourself, including:

Capacity to aid:
Willing time to work:
Realistic assessment of your contribution:
Have you done anything like this before:
Examples of work done in the past:
And personal contact information, details.
 

Constructing a Submissive Cue Glossary

December 14, 2016
In BDSM, communication is key. But what happens when dirty talk or extensive discussion - or even words themselves - are the enemy? 

Construct a glossary and give it to your Dominant.

If verbal communication is not your primary method of externalizing how you feel, you can think of all of the ways you show your feelings. Take a photo of each face or gesture, put it in a chart, and use a brief sentence to explain how you feel in any given situation.



This does not have to be a graphic, though a glossary of faces and gestures would be helpful. It can be told verbally at some point, or even demonstrated. It can also be written in list form:

* If I nuzzle my head against your body, this means I am being affectionate, though I would appreciate more physical contact.

* When I start to space out, I am becoming anxious and need to be pulled out of the situation I am in at the moment.

* Whining indicates that I am feeling a bit antagonized and would like to calm the session or play down.

* Crying is not a bad thing. If I am positioning in a more submissive way, that means I am open and vulnerable. I prefer to be handled as strictly as possible during this time. 

There are so many ways to communicate, but it is also paramount that you understand while your Dominant may be very intuitive, nobody is a complete mind reader. Expecting something without making a statement is a rude and bratty behavior - one that I only tolerate to a point. Once the threshold of insolence is crossed, it is hard to get back on My good side. But coming up with ways to show that you want something is a perfect way to let a Dominant know what is going on with you without necessarily explaining it in the moment. 
 


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